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At some point every relationship will hit a snag. Snags, which over time might turn into deeper tears in the fabric of the love and trust that first built the relationship. Conflict is often accompanied by strong and surprising emotions and we struggle to navigate them well. When this happens, we can be left questioning the relationship, wondering "how can you keep doing this if you know how much it upsets me?" Examples might be as simple as dishes left on the counter. Scrolling through social media instead of asking you about your day. Making big decisions solo instead of taking the time to discuss it. Perhaps it's just the tone of voice used that makes you feel undermined or patronised. Conflicts over such matters can spiral quickly as we jump to conclusions and respond by saying things we can't take back, hurting one another in our most vulnerable areas. When we stay focused on the content of the argument, we find our heart rate climbs and our limbic systems are hijacked until we feel depleted and isolated from one another. We are left tending our wounds alone, wondering how we will heal when you can’t stand to be in the room with the very person you usually go to for comfort and help?

Your fight isn't about what you think

The deeper issues that drive these conflicts are rarely about the content of the fight. It's not about dirty dishes, which school your child should go to, or punctuality. They’re frequently about your desires, needs, vulnerabilities and biases that get triggered by various circumstances. We usually experience strong reactions and emotions because a particular circumstance is touching on a prior experience, making us feel vulnerable. As Dr. Marion Solomon and Dr. Daniel J. Seigel wrote in Healing Trauma, “the greater the intimacy with another person, the more likely that emotions, even archaic ones, will emerge, along with primitive defences. A therapeutic approach…help[s] partners acknowledge their sense of vulnerability, discover its roots, tolerate waves of emotion, and find ways to address the underlying pain.”

If our partner doesn't clear the dishes lying around the home for the umpteenth time, moving a dish to the kitchen isn't what upsets us but rather a pattern of behaviour that we perceive as neglect. It's not the delayed dinner that upsets us when they get home 20 min later than communicated, but it's the growing sense that we aren't as important to them anymore -  they seem to prioritise other things over us. These triggers hit at our deeper fears of rejection, abandonment or failure and as they compound over time they become the lens through which we view every interaction. So where do we find the courage to look at ourselves and our relationships honestly? If our experiences are tainted and disorienting, where do we go for objective truth and tender compassion? The Gospel offers us the grace and truth needed to start the process of taking an honest look at ourselves in a safe space of acceptance and love. 

Identifying 3 common underlying dynamics present in most fights 

1. A desire for Care and Connection 

Dr Sue Johnson says that most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. There is no denying that a disconnected relationship is destabilising and like a child misbehaving to get the attention of a parent, we too fight in an attempt to hear our partner affirm their care and concern for us. Fights about care and connection can sound like:

"I had a really bad day and all you seem to care about is that stupid phone!" 

"We hardly have sex anymore and when we do it seems like a duty to you!"

"When was the last time you planned something special for us? I'm always the one doing everything in this relationship!"

2. A desire for Respect and Recognition 

Respect and recognition are essential elements to a healthy relationship. We often hear that "respect is earned" but in close relationships, where we bare our most vulnerable parts to another we need respect and recognition to be given, not earned again every day. We desire to be seen and known in our strengths and weaknesses and have our partners respect and recognise our value and worth. Fights about respect and recognition can sound like: 

"Why do you assume all I do at work is just for me? I wish you would see how this is for us too!"

"I don't think you realise all I do around the home!"

"You just make decisions by yourself! Do you even wonder what I may think?!"

3. A desire for Power and Control  

Various scenarios may trigger fears of being hurt, used, or rejected. Power and control have the illusion of making us feel safe. No one likes to feel vulnerable or weak and so many people jostle to keep power and control so they feel more secure. Fights about power and control can sound like:

"You never really listen to me! You just want things your way."

"Don't forget I did all the laundry so you owe me some time off" 

"We only have sex when you want to!" 

Every fight exists within a context. There are usually more than just one of these dynamics at play that make us question what is really going on in our relationship.  However, allowing these categories to function as a framework to help us identify what patterns may be repeating and what is going on a little deeper within each of us will help us have more productive conversations and learn to nurture the relationship back to a place of health while gaining a better understanding of yourself and your partner. Too often our 'diagnosis' of the problem is too shallow. We think that if we simply communicate more clearly about responsibilities at home, clarified expectations or could agree on our parenting approach these issues would resolve but scripture tells us the issues of conflict lie deeper and we must look at our hearts for a proper diagnosis and a lasting solution. 

Creating new patterns to break old cycles 

No one gets into a relationship planning for it to fail. We don't set out to hurt or get hurt and yet we know this is an inevitability of a relationship. However, keeping your feet grounded through these storms is much harder than we expect. We get sucked into a vortex of reactions and careless words that leave us disoriented. It's hard to remember in the heat of the moment that the person in front of us is really upset because they care, not because they don't. Gospel truth grounds us by offering safety in the storm and a beacon of light to follow and the Holy Spirit works on our desires to bring deep and lasting change. 

Learning to work together in a healthy way, to understand how the patterns came to be and find Christ in the storm, you are able to shift the relationship trajectory and find ways to help each other navigate the challenge in front of you. Breaking out of entrenched dynamics is a process of dismantling and understanding each small interaction and then finding new paths and ways to interact. What may seem hard and unnatural at first, slowly becomes a new habit that re-enforces a healthy dynamic. Mutual self-awareness and affirmation of the other are key to establishing new dynamics and strengthening the relationship. Remember the process (the way you interact) always shapes the scenario. The form is more important than the content.